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1 - Assistant Principal's Big Day
Performed by Adam Sandler
[Speaking through a microphone]
"Good morning students and faculty, If I could have your attention please. As you may, or may not know, Principal Cambell will not be here for the rest of the week due to a throat infection. Leaving me, assistant principal Dunbar, as the school's lone administrator for the next few days."
"Though the policies set forth by Principal Cambell will remain the same, there will be some additional regulations you must also follow."
"Number one - smoking outside the administration building will only be allowed during lunch periods."
"Number two - the girls' showering facilities will be moved from the locker room into my inner office where I can watch the girls wash their breasts and buttocks while I play with myself."
"Number three - while showering, none of the girls will be allowed to snicker or laugh at the size of my genitalia. Eye contact with me is also prohibited."
"Number four - girls are encouraged to wash each other freely as I build towards orgasm."
"Number five - while i am ejaculating, the boys gymnastic team must undress each other spread eagle in front of me and satify each other orally until I have completed ejaculating."
"Finally, rule number six - any student caught writing grafitti or defacing school property will be automatically suspended, unless they are masturbating."
"If you have any questions about these new regulations, I will be in my office spanking it with a thumb up my ass."
"Good day"
2 - The Buffoon and The Dean of Admissions
Performed by Adam Sandler and Conan O' Brien :
"And now a buffoon's meeting with the dean of admissions at a prestigious college."
Dean: "Well Michael, I would like to extend my warmest congradulations on your upcoming graduation and I understand you are interested in matriculating here in the fall."
Buffoon: "I got a snake, man!"
Dean: "Yes, pets are welcome here on campus. Be it the traditional dog, or cat, or even the occasional reptile."
Buffoon: "One time I fed it some beer man! It was slithering this way and that! It was all fucked up!"
Dean: "I'm sure it was. Well we discourage inappropriate drinking among both students and pets here on campus."
Buffoon: "Fuckin' Shit!"
Dean: "Yes, that's a not uncommon reaction to this policy. So tell me a little bit more about your background."
Buffoon: "My father's a fucking asshole, man!"
Dean: "Hmm, I see. Your feelings of rebelion are not unusual at your age son."
Buffoon: "My mother's a piece of shit too!"
Dean: "Well, I hope you can find an outlet for your hostility over the summer so you can come to school in the fall relaxed and ready to learn."
Buffoon: "My teacher in high school was a stupid bitch, man! She had her head way up her ass!"
Dean: "Well the quality of the faculty at a University such as ours far exceeds that of a local public high school."
Buffoon: "Your secretary's a real fat bitch, man!"
Dean: "Yes, she's tried many diets over the years with minimal success."
Buffoon: "I had diarhea last month. I had to shit all fucking day!"
Dean: "Uh huh, Well we all get the occasional stomach bug, never a pleasurable experience. So have you given any thought to your choice of major?"
Buffoon: "I've got a big fucking boner right now."
Dean: "I see. Well sexual arrousal is not uncommon during periods of nervous tension. I do not take offense."
Buffoon: "One time I ate my neighbors shit!"
Dean: "That's understandable. Well, I enjoyed meeting you. We'll be sending you our decision by the end of the month."
Buffoon: "I bet you got really hairy balls."
Dean: "Yes, it's a veritable forest down there. Bye bye."
3 - Buddy
Performed by Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Tim Meadows, Tim Herlihy,
and Robert Smigel
[Moving Train]
"Next stop! Coopersville!"
[Two guys talking]
"Hey Buddy"
"Buddy!"
"How was the bathroom Buddy, pretty gruesome?"
"Buddy, I had to hold my breath Buddy!"
"Eheh Buddy, don't even tell me about it Buddy!"
"Buddy I know."
"Buddy, M&M's?"
"Chocolate me, Buddy!... Tasty Buddy!"
"Buddy definitely"
"Hey get in on this drink Buddy!"
"Buddy, don't mind if I do"
"It's a bloody, Buddy"
"Buddy, it's killer!"
"BUDDY!"
"Sorry Buddy"
"Save me some Buddy!"
"Buddy I said I was sorry!"
"That's ok Buddy"
[Two more guys enter]
"Hey Dude!"
"Hey Buddy!"
"Dudes, you know this dude?"
"What's up Dude?"
"Hey Buddy"
"Buddy, sit down"
"Have some bloody Buddy"
"Dude"
"Dudes, here's a sixer, Budweiser time"
"Yeah, Bud Buddy"
"Yeah Dude"
"Cold ones Dude"
"Buddy, killer!"
[Drinking]
"I'm buzzing Buddy!"
"Dude, I know!"
[Female walking by]
"Oh Dude, check it, she's killer!"
"I want some of that Buddy"
"Oh Buddy, save some for me"
"Dude, that's my ex-girlfriend"
"Oh, sorry Buddy"
"Just watch it Dude!"
"Hey lay off him Buddy"
"Dude, don't get him started"
"I said I was sorry Buddy"
"Dude, let's just drop it"
"Buddy?"
"It's cool Dude"
[Two more guys enter]
"Hey Homey's"
"What's up Homeys?"
"Hey Buddy"
"What's up Dude?"
"Just chillin' Homey"
"Cool Buddy"
"Yeah Dude"
"Buddy"
"Homey"
"Dude"
"Homey"
"Dude"
"Buddy"
"Dude, check it out, a prison"
"Oh Buddy, imagine being stuck in there"
"I know Dude, that would suck"
"Homey, my brother is in there"
"Oh Buddy"
"Sorry about that Dude"
"Bummer Buddy"
"Bad timing Homey"
"I know Buddy"
"Sorry Dude"
"Not your fault Homey"
"I know, but Buddy"
"No, it's cool Homey"
"Dude, there's another train on this track"
[Sound of another train]
"Uh Buddy, it's coming at us"
[Train horn sounding]
"Dude!"
"Homey!"
"Buddy!"
"Buddy!"
"Homey!"
"DUDE!"
[Trains crashing]
"Dude?"
"Buddy, my head"
"Homey, get off me"
"Buddy, I can't see"
"What just happened to us Dude?"
"Homey, I told you, we should have taken the bus!"
4 - The Longest Pee
Performed by Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider
[Line of people talking]
"Hey man, let me in there first"
-"Go ahead man, take it easy"
"Thanks, I really gotta pee"
[Open door, close door]
[Unzip pants]
[Start pissin..........groaning....]
"Oh man"
[.....]
"Ohhh yeah"
[.....]
"Ahhhh"
[......Stop Briefly]
"Ahh"
[Start Pissing again..]
"Oh man"
[........]
"Oh man"
[...............]
"Oh Man"
[.......gets louder]
"OH MAN"
[..........and louder]
"OH MAN!!"
[............as loud as a hose]
"OH MAN!!! OH.."
[...........]
"Oh no!"
[........]
"Oh Man!"
[...............slows down]
"ahhh"
[Stops]
"Ahhhhhh...There ya go"
[Fart! Starts pissing loudly again]
"Oh! OH MAN!"
[..............]
"OH MY GOD!"
[Banging on the Door]
[Pissing slows down to dribble]
"I'll be out in a minute!"
[....dribbling...]
"oh..oh my"
[Stops]
"oh...Oh thank God"
[Zips up pants]
[Pisses in pants]
"Awwww MAN!"
[People laughing]
-"Hey man, you pissed in your pants"
"I know"
-"So did I"
"I guess that makes us piss pals"
[Horrible annoying laughter]
[Rasberry]
5 - Food Innuendo Guy
Performed by Adam Sandler
Ooooh yeah
Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stew your tomato
Baby, baby, baby, I want to french fry your potato
Baby, baby, baby, won't you pluck my grapes
Won't you peel my banana like a pack of wild apes?
I'm your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy
Baby, baby, baby, you got honeydew melons
Baby, baby, baby, can't you see my brocolli swelin
Oh baby, baby, baby, I wanna taste your watercress
I wanna slip my celery stick up the back of your dress
I'm your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy
Oh what will it take
Don't go so soon
You'll miss my carrot cake
And my cream of mushroom
Oh baby, baby, baby, my jalapeno's red hot
Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stuff all that cabbage you got
I'm your food innuendo guy, food innuendo guy
Oh yeah
Oooooooh yeah
Oh baby, baby, baby, you got eggplant parmigiana
Baby, baby, baby, bite my zucchini if you wanna
I'll give you fresh fruit salad
I don't get it from no can
Your string bean days are over
I'm your cucumber man
I'm your food inunendo guy, food innuendo guy
Oh so delicious
6 - The Beating of a High School Janitor Performed by Adam Sandler
"And now, the sever beating of a high school janitor."
[Mopping sounds]
Mop, mop, mop
All day long
Mop, mop, mop
While I sing this song
[Sound of someone walking towards him]
Gonna wax the floor
Gonna make it shine
Gonna take of the spray paint
With turpentine
"Hey! Don't walk there! I just mopped!"
[Person walking quickly towards him]
[Beating sounds]
"Hey!"
[Beating sounds]
"Get offa me!"
[Beating sounds]
"That's my bucket!"
[Beating sounds]
"Let go of my side burns!"
[Beating sounds]
[Sound of falling down into glass]
7 - Right Field
Performed by Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, Tim Herlihy, and Steve Koren
Russel: [Shouting] "Come on Robert! Pitch it in there, baby! We're
behind you here in right field! One down! Two to go! Hum it now! Yeah! Show 'em
the magic! This chump can't hit!"
[Whispering to himself] "Please God, don't help him hit it to me. Anywhere but
to right field. Please God, I bet you."
[Shouting] "Come on now! No batter! No batter! Big whiffer! Big whiffer!"
[Whispering] "Oh please, don't let him hit it to me. My God, not to me."
[Shouting] "Steam it baby! Steam it!"
[Whispering] "Oh God no, Oh God no, Oh God no, Oh God no."
[Ball is hit]
Russel: [Shouting] "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
[Whispering] "Oh good! It's not to me."
[Shouting] "Good catch, Steven! Nice glove! You da man! Two away now! Lookin'
good! We're all looking good out here! Come on Robert! This lump of crap can't
hit!"
[Whiserping] "Oh God, he's a leftie! A big leftie! Total power to hit it. He's
gonna pile it right to me and there's nothing I can do to stop him."
[Shouting] "Pitch 'em the funny one, Robert! Big whiffer! Big whiffer!"
[Whispering] "Oh he is a natural athlete and I am so worthless. Please God, take
his life. Make him die."
[Shouting] "No batter! No batter!"
[Ball is hit]
Russel: [Whispering] "Oh God. This is not happening. No, don't do this
to me. Please. Make it stop."
[Ball hits Russel]
Russel: "OWWWW! My elbow!"
M1: "Throw it to second! Pick it up already!"
Russel: "Take it! Just take the ball!"
[Russel tosses the ball]
M2: "Nice throw, you pansy!"
Russel: [Whispering] "Ok, get under control. Easy now, easy. Say
something to the team."
[Shouting] "Good hussle everybody! Yeah! Nice work! Play's at third!"
[Whispering] "That wasn't funny, Lord. I've been so good and for what!?"
[Shouting] "Come on, Robert! Settle down! Just throw straight! You get it across
the plate! We'll take care of the rest!"
[Whispering] "Oh no, another lefty."
[Ball is hit]
Russel: [Shouting] "NOO! Why me again!?"
[Ball hits Russel]
Russel: "OWWWW! My neck!"
[Panting & Whining] "I can't breath. I can't breath."
M2: "Pick it up and throw it, you moron!"
Russel: [Whining] "Here..come on, here.. Take the ball! Take it!"
[Russel kicks ball]
M1: "Way to kick it in, Pele!"
Russel: [Shouting] "Oh hahaha. Pele! Good one! Hehehe.. Ok! Come on! Suck
it up guys! We'll get those runs back! This is where we dig down! We just need
one more out!"
[Whispering] "Oh look! A rightie! Oh Lord, thank you. Thank you so much. I owe
you."
[Shouting] "This loser can't hit! No batter! Come on, this is where we take them
out!"
[Whispering] "Uh oh, what's happening? Where's the rightie going? What? Who's
this guy? He's a leftie and he's pinch hitting. No! No!"
[Shouting] "Why's he pointing at me!?"
[Ball is hit]
Russel: [Shouting] "Oh my Lord! What have I done to deserve this?!"
M3: "I got it! I got it!"
[Running over to the ball near Russel]
[Thud! Crashes into Russel]
M3: "Whoa! Sorry about that, Russel. Are you ok?"
Russel: [Shouting] "HELL YEAH! We're up now! It's our turn to kick a
little ass!"
M3: "All right, Russel. I think you're up first."
Russel: "NOOOOO!!"
8 - The Buffoon and the Valedictorian
Performed by Adam Sandler and Jennifer Lien
"And now the buffoon's date at the drive-in with the school's valedictorian."
Valedictorian: "I really appreciate you're asking me out. Most people are intimidated by my high academic achievement."
Buffoon: "This movie sucks shit!"
Valedictorian: "Well, Ebel gave it thumbs up, but Ciscel thought it was too preachy. Anyway, I enjoyed the director's last film immensly."
Buffoon: "Cathleen Turner has big fuckin' tits!"
Valedictorian: "Yes, well, she recently had a child. I think her maternal biology may play a role in that. She looks fabulous for a woman her age, doesn't she?"
Buffoon: "I put a firecracker in a bullfrog's mouth and blew his fuckin' head off."
Valedictorian: "Well, in psychology we learned that it is not uncommon for male adolescents to commit savage acts on animals as part of their maturing process."
Buffoon: "That girl in the fucking car in front of us, she gives everybody head."
Valedictorian: "Well, I guess she's strong for attention and she feels promiscuity is the only way to obtain it."
[Buffoon eating popcorn]
Buffoon: "This popcorn's fuckin' terrible. It tastes like someone jizzed
all over it."
[Buffoon continues to eat popcorn]
Valedictorian: "Well the amount of semen on this popcorn is certainly disturbing. Perhaps the staff in the refreshment stand was overcome by the monotony of their work and decided to play a childish prank."
Buffoon: "I looked at my asshole in the mirror today. It blew my fuckin' mind!"
Valedictorian: "It's ironic that parts of one's body seems odd and unusual because you don't see them on a day to day basis.
Buffoon: "My father's shit stinks up the bathroom all fuckin' day!"
Valedictorian: "It's puzzling why one person's fecal odor can be more overpowering than another's. I wonder whether it is a function of the food digested or that person's internal metabolism."
Buffoon: "I'm gonna go get head from that fuckin' girl."
[Gets out of the car]
Valedictorian: "Well, I'm sorry to see the date come to such an abrubt
conclusion."
[Buffoon walking away]
"I do appreciate the time you spent with me and look forward to a future
rondevue."
Buffoon: "I like to piss in that guy's fuckin' gas tank!"
Valedictorian: "Bye bye! Have fun."
[Buffoon continues to walk away]
9 - Mr. Spindel's Phone Call
Performed by Adam Sandler and Steve Koren
[Phone Rings]
[Mr. Spindel picks it up]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
Student: [Whispering] "Hey Mr. Spindel. How's algebra class going?"
[Chuckling]
Mr Spindel: "Whut!?"
Student: [Whispering] "You're in for a big surprise tommorrow during 5th
period!" [Chuckling]
Mr Spindel: "Hey! Who is this!"
[Student Hangs up phone]
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Who is this!?"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Answer me!"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Who is this!?"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "For God's sake! Who are you!?"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
[Operator recording playing "If you'd like to make a call..."]
Mr Spindel: "Who is that!?"
[Recording continues]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Recording continues]
Mr Spindel: "Who are you!?"
[Recording continues]
Mr Spindel: "Please answer me!"
[Silence]
[Bleeping noise]
Mr Spindel: "Oh God! Who is this!?"
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: "Please stop it! Why are you doing this!?"
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: "WHY!? WHY!?"
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: "Just tell me your name."
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: "Please."
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: "I'm gonna hang up!"
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: "I'm warning you!"
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: "Whoever this is, I'm gonna hang up!"
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: "That's it!"
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: "Damn you kids!!"
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: "Damn you!!"
[Slams down phone]
[Phone rings]
[Mr. Spindel picks it up]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo?"
Ted: "Yeah, Bill."
Mr Spindel: "Oh, TED!"
Ted: "I've been trying to get through to you forever. Who have you been
talking to?"
Mr Spindel: "I don't know. So help me God! I don't know!"
10 - The Thanksgiving Song Performed by Adam Sandler
"They wanna hear the thanksgiving song! All right.."
"This is uhh, This is the Thanksgiving Song"
"I hope you enjoy it."
[Starts playing]
Love to eat turkey
Love to eat turkey
Shout from Crowd: "I love you Adam!"
Adam Sandler: "Ohhh, I love you!"
Love to eat turkey
'Cause it's good
Love to eat turkey
Like a good boy should
'Cause it's turkey to eat
So good
Adam Sandler: "That clappin's messing my head up man. I appreciate it. But I was trying to think of the next line and all I hear is clapping. Here we go... Thanks anyways"
Turkey for me
Turkey for you
Let's eat the turkey
In my big brown shoe
Love to eat the turkey
At the table
I once saw a movie
With Betty Grable
Eat that turkey
All night long
Fifty million Elvis fans
Can't be wrong
Turkey lurkey doo and
Turkey lurkey dap
I eat that turkey
Then I take a nap
Thanksgiving is a special night
Jimmy Walker used to say Dynomite
That's right
Turkey with gravy and cranberry
Can't believe the Mets traded Darryl Strawberry
Turkey for you and
Turkey for me
Can't believe Tyson
Gave that girl V.D.
White meat, dark meat
You just can't lose
I fell off my moped
And I got a bruise
Turkey in the oven
And the buns in the toaster
I'll never take down
My Cheryl Tiegs poster
Wrap the turkey up
In aluminum foil
My brother likes to masturbate
With baby oil
Turkey and sweet potato pie
Sammy Davis Jr.
Only had one eye
Turkey for the girls and
Turkey for the boys
My favorite kind of pants
Are corduroys
Gobble gobble goo and
Gobble gobble gickel
I wish turkey
Only cost a nickel
Oh I love turkey on Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving everybody!
11 - The Beating of a High School Bus Driver
Performed by Adam Sandler
"And now, the sever beating of a high school bus driver."
[Kids getting on the bus]
"How are ya, Bryan?"
"Good morning, Lisa."
"Good to see ya, Tommy!"
"Hey, good morning, Cyle! Nice new backpack!"
"Watch your step now, Joseph."
"Uhh, young man. Can I help you? Can I see your bus pass, please?"
[Beating sounds]
"Sir, please!"
[Beating sounds]
"I drive with that hand!"
[Beating sounds]
"Children! Call for help!"
[Beating sounds]
"Holy geez, no!"
[Beating sounds]
"That's me! Oh yes, oh!"
[Beating sounds]
[Final crack, horn sounding]
12 - Oh Mom...
Performed by Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jennifer Lien, Andrew
Leeds, Meghan Andrews, and Robert Smigel
[Silverware clicking]
M1: "Can you pass the beats please?"
F1: "Here you go"
M1: "Thanks"
Brad: "Hey Mom, guess what? I got invited to a party tonight! And I'm
gonna go if that's ok with you."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Brad: "Why not Mom?"
F1: "Yeah, why mom? He should go."
Brad: "It's gonna be fun. I'll get to meet new people..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Brad: "Oh mom..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
F1: "Don't wory Brad."
F2: "Hey mom, I saw this great skirt at the mall today, but it was
$34, which isn't that high of a price, but I was nervous to buy it. What do you
think?
Mom: "NOOO!!"
F2: "Really? I really like it..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
F2: "Oh mom, who is?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
F2: "Mom, you're so paranoid."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
M3: "Hey mom, I gotta get up pretty early tommorrow for Little League
try-outs."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
M3: "Yeah, I have to be at the field at 9 o'clock..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "Do you think you could drop me off there?..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "How am I gonna get there?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "I'll walk I guess."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "Mom, can you pass the salad dressing?"
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "Please?"
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "Come on, mom."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Brad: "I'll get it for you Cindy."
Cindy: "Thanks Brad."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Cindy: "Thanks for the tip, Ma."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Brad: "Hey everyone, let's just go out for ice cream."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Brad: "Why are we eating inside? It's a beautiful night. We need to get
out more."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "Mother, Brad is right."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "We should go out, it'll be fun."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "Come on, let's go, I could go for some Maple Walnut."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "Yeah, we haven't gone out together in a long time."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "You wanna come Dave?"
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Dave: "No, I'll hang out with mom."
M1: "You sure?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "Yeah, go without me."
M3: "All right, see you guys later."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "How are you, mom? Great meal tonight. Sure is... You sure know
how to cook! Boy, oh boy, you're quite a lady. Say mom, uhm, can I go canoeing
next weekend with my friend Barry?"
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Dave: "Please?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "Mom, you're over reacting!"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "Why are you so overprotective!?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "Mom! I'm going to the ice cream place! You're just so set in your
ways it drives me crazy!"
[Bangs on the table, gets up]
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
[Screen door closes]
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at him!"
13 - Fatty McGee
Performed by Adam Sandler, David Spade, Tim Herlihy, Steve Koren, and Tim
Meadows
[Typical library sounds, squeekin chairs/doors]
[Talking quietly]
M1: "Ms. Murphy is such a pain, man."
M2: "We just had a test a week ago. Now we gotta take another one
tommorrow. This sucks!"
M1: "And it counts for 80 percent of our grade."
M2: "Well we better study our butts off."
M1: "Well we came to the right place, the ever so quiet library."
M2: "Ok, enough talking, let's study!"
M1: "All right."
[Turning pages]
[Heavy steps]
M2: "Uh oh"
M1: "Oh no! Fatty McGee is coming. We'll never get any studying done with
him in the library."
[Heavy steps continue]
M2: "Oh god, he's taking the stairs! That means he's going to be way out
of breath!"
[Fatty whining, try to catch breath]
M1: "Oh no, he's going to sit with us."
Fatty: [Annoying whining voice] "Hey fellas, studying for the big test?"
M1: "Uh, yes Fatty, we were."
Fatty: [Still trying to catch breath] "Great! I'll join ya."
[Fatty pulls out chair and falls into it, still whining horribly]
M2: "Hey Fatty, why don't you go to the bathroom 'till you catch your
breath?"
Fatty: "No, no, I'm catching it!"
[Fatty continuing to whine and snort]
M1: "Ok, ok Fatty, but try to keep the wheezing level down, we're trying
to concentrate."
Fatty: [Continuing to wheeze and whine louder] "Sure, no problem."
M1: "Oh man."
Fatty: [Still snorting and whining loudly] "This test counts for eighty
percent of our grade, you know."
[Whining continues even louder]
M1: "Yes Fatty, we know, we just said that."
[Wheezing continues a little softer]
M2: "Fatty! Please keep it down!"
[Fatty makes snoring/whining sounds]
M2: "Is he sleeping!?"
M1: "No, it's his deviated sceptum. Seriously Fatty, keep the breathing
down." [Snoring stops, more weird noise starts]
M2: "Ahh geez Fatty, what's wrong with you!?"
Fatty: [Pausing, snorting] "I'm trying."
[Whining continues]
M1: "Fatty, you know what's going to happen! Stop breathing so heavy!
Please we gotta study!"
[Whining gets higher and higher until it's continuous]
M2: "Oh no, that one's going to do it!"
[Fire alarm sounding, fire trucks honking their horns, sirens reeling]
M2: "Fatty, the fire department thinks the fire alarm went off again!"
Fatty: [Continuing his LOUD annoying whine] "I'm sorry!"
Fireman Ray: "Fire! Man the building!"
M1: "Sorry Fireman Ray, it's not the fire alarm."
Fireman Ray: "Fatty McGee, is that you again!?"
Fatty: [Stillin whining annoyingly] "Yes." [Snort] "Sorry." [Snort]
Fireman Ray: "Didn't we tell you not to take the stairs anymore!?"
Fatty: [Whiney voice] "But I like the stairs!"
Fireman Ray: [annoyed] "Why!?"
Fatty: [Still whining horribly] "They're fun!"
Fireman Ray: "Oh Fatty McGee, you're the fattest!"
[Everyone laughing at stupid joke]
[Raspberry]
14 - At a Medium Pace
Performed by Adam Sandler
Put your arms around me baby
Can't you see I need you so
Hold me close against your skin
I'm about to begin
Lovin' you
Spit on your hand and stroke my cock
At a medium pace
Play with my balls and tell me
How big they are
Honey, rub your beaver
Up and down my face
Sit on the corner of the bed
And watch me whack off
You see that shampoo bottle
Now stick it up my ass
Push it in and out
At a medium pace
Talk about your old boyfriend's dick
And how big it was
Now shave off my pubes
And punch me in the face
Whoa darlin'
Make me push my dick and balls
Back between my legs
Call me an ugly woman
And take my picture to show
All the people you work with
Now pull up my scrotum
And take the shampoo bottle
Out of my ass
Pretend I'm the pizza delivery guy
And watch me whack off
Strap on a dildo
And make me give you head
Tell me to slow down
And do it at a medium pace
I feel so humiliated
I'm about to blow my load
You tell me it's time to make love
But now I can't
'Cause I spewed all over myself
Then you look into my eyes
And you realize
How much I enjoy lovin' you
I'm so sorry I spunked on my stomach
Maybe next time I'll be better at lovin' you
15 - The Beating of a High School Science Teacher
Performed by Rob Schneider
"And now the severe beating of a high school science teacher."
[Lecturing]
"Zinc is by far the best element."
"I also like plutonium."
"It's just fun to say."
"Plutonium."
[Sound of someonee walking towards him]
"How's your plutonium?"
"Good, thank you."
"Excuse me!"
"Hello! The office is closed. So, if you wouldn't mind,.. Sir, what are you
doing?"
"Hey! Get off of me!"
[Beating sounds]
"You're breaking the beakers!"
[Beating sounds]
"Those are my best goggles!"
[Beating sounds]
16 - The Cheerleader
Performed by Adam Sandler and Steve Koren
[Sound of pom-poms]
Cheerleader: [With annoying feminine voice] "Ok you guys, let's hear some
spirit!"
[Performing cheer]
Cheerleader: "United, we are united.. We'll be 'cause we're the Tigers,
we're out for vic-tor-y - Yeah!"
[No response]
Cheerleader: "Come on you guys! I wanna hear you!"
[Still no response]
Cheerleader: "Come on! The girls volleyball team's got a big game
tonight! And we're gonna win 'cause we're the -"
Guy in crowd: "Sit down!"
Cheerleader: "You guys are assholes!" [Whining] "You think this is easy
being a cheerleader!? Let's see you come down here and try it!"
Guy: "Shut up!"
Cheerleader: "You're the one who should be shutting up! This is my senior
year of cheerleading and you're ruining it! I paid for my pom-poms with my own
money." [Half-crying]
Guy: "You suck!"
Cheerleader: [Hurt] "I was gonna do a split for you guys, but now I'm not
gonna cuz you guys don't appreciate anything."
[Something hurled and hit Cheerleader]
Cheerleader: "Owwww! Who threw that!? I'm gonna get a bruise now! I hate
my school!" [Whining]
[Crowd cheering softly in background]
Guy: "We're sorry."
[Pause]
Guy: "Just kidding, you suck!"
Cheerleader: [Half-crying] "Ahhaw..No..."
17 - I'm So Wasted
Performed by Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider
[Sound of crickets. Guy walks across grass]
Joe: "Hey pal! How ya doin?"
M2: "I'm so wasted, man."
Joe: "Yeah, you are, oh ho ho!"
M2: "Thanks man."
Joe: "It's good party, huh?"
M2: "Oh, it's great man."
Joe: "Hey that's some good acid, huh?"
M2: "Oh, killer man."
Joe: "Hey, my pleasure."
M2: "I've never been higher."
Joe: "Oh ho, you must be freaking out."
M2: "Acid's great man."
Joe: "It's the best."
M2: "Everytime I do acid man, I'm so high."
Joe: "Yeah, oh, you must be flipping out right now."
M2: "This is the best acid, man."
Joe: "What are you seein, man?"
M2: "Oh, I, that cloud up there, man."
Joe: "Whoa"
M2: "It's got a vein in it."
Joe: "Oh-Holy Cow! Really!?"
M2: "And it's bleeding on me, man."
Joe: "It's bleeding on ya? Well watch out!"
M2: "Look at my hand, man."
Joe: "Yeah?"
M2: "It-It's moving, but it's not moving."
Joe: "It's not?"
M2: "It's still there, but it looks like it's moving."
Joe: "Hey, yeah to you it is."
M2: "I'm so high."
Joe: "Yeah, you must be flipping out."
M2: "I'm flipping out off it."
Joe: "Hallucinations, man."
M2: "Acid..right."
Joe: "Hey, I got some news fer ya."
M2: "I'm seeing stuff, man."
Joe: "Yeah, yer seeing stuff."
M2: "RIght."
Joe: "Well, that's what happens when you take acid, but you know what?"
M2: "What man?"
Joe: "Uhhh, that really wasn't acid. That was just a little piece of
paper I ripped off of my notebook."
[Silence]
M2: "Wha? It's probly this weed I'm smokin', man."
Joe: "Oh, that weed."
M2: "That Thai bud, man."
Joe: "Whoa."
M2: [Laughing] "Everything's hilarious."
Joe: [Laughing] "That's funny man. Look at that guy."
M2: [Laughing] "That's funny man."
Joe: [Laughing] "Look at that guy's hat man."
M2: [Laughing] "Everything's funny to me, man."
Joe: "Right. Hey, how man bones didya smoke? A few joints, man?"
M2: "I had about four."
Joe: "Whoa, that's a lot of bones to be smokin', man."
M2: "The whole thing's man."
Joe: "Yeah, you sucked 'em down yerself."
M2: "Ain't that hilarious!?"
Joe: "You didn't wanna share, didja?"
M2: "It was great stuff, man."
Joe: "Aww, yeah, hey I got some news on that stuff too."
M2: "Hey what man?"
Joe: "That's the stuff I sold you, right?
M2: "Yeah, right."
Joe: "Yeah"
M2: "It's funny, man."
Joe: "Well, well, uh.."
M2: "I'm wasted off it, man."
Joe: "Yeah, well that's good. You smoked it, right?"
M2: "Right."
Joe: "Well that really wans't weed."
[Pause]
Joe: "No it wasn't, it was pencil shavings in a bag."
[Silence]
Joe: "Yeah."
M2: "Well, it's probably this beer. This beer I'm drinking, man. I must
be drunk off it or something. Ya know, I had about eighteen of them, man."
Joe: "Whoa, oh really!?"
M2: "I'm just..wasted off 'em."
Joe: "That's a lot of beer for a man to drink."
M2: "Man, I gotta pea pretty soon, man."
Joe: "You didn't dump 'em out in the woods, didja?"
M2: "No..no..no.. I drank all of them."
Joe: "Right, yeah. I saw you..that's good. Hey didja eat today?"
M2: "No, I'm on an empty stomach."
Joe: "Whoa, you must be ..yea.. extra buzz for you."
M2: "..And that's why I'm so wasted off it man, it's like I'm seeing
things, man."
Joe: "Yeah, you can hardly stand, man."
M2: "You should take my car keys, cuz I can't drive, man."
Joe: "Right, right."
M2: "I can barely walk."
Joe: "Hey man, you better open those eyes up, they're half shut."
M2: "There's two of you, man. I can't see anymore, man, I'm blind!"
Joe: "Right.. I got the beers, huh? I'm the man, right?"
M2: "Yeah, you are the man."
Joe: "Say it. Say I'm the man."
M2: "Yer da man!!"
Joe: "Okay, well that beer.."
M2: "Yeah?"
Joe: "There was no alcohol in that beer."
[Pause]
Joe: "That was non-alcoholic. So..uhh..again, I'm gonna have to bust you
on this one. You're lying."
[Silence]
M2: [Mumbling] "I'll be right back."
Joe: "Ok, buddy, you go sober up."
[Walking different directions, gun goes off]
Joe: "Oh my God! He killed himself! He killed himself!"
[Runs over]
Joe: "Oh my God! You killed yerself, buddy."
M2: "Yeah, I'm dead, man."
Joe: "Oh my, oh yer dead."
M2: "Yeah, I'm dead, man."
Joe: "That is awefull."
M2: "There's a big white light and everything, man."
Joe: "Yeah! Well you showed us all, man."
M2: "Oh man, I'm so peaceful here man."
Joe: "Yeah, you see anything weird, or.."
M2: "My relatives, man, a big white light, and my grandfather's there
and.."
Joe: "Ooooh, I remember him, he's a good guy."
M2: "He's still wearing the same clothes, and.."
Joe: "Hey, say hello fer me, huh?"
M2: "Hey man, Joe says hi, man."
Joe: [Chuckling] "Right."
M2: "It's yeah..My uncle's here and..."
Joe: "Right..right.. Hey I got some news for ya. This is so funny."
M2: "Yeah? What, man?"
Joe: "Yeah, yeah, before you go, up to heaven. The gun, you killed
yerself with, that's the one I sold you, right?"
M2: "Yeah."
Joe: "Yeah, well that was a cap gun. So, there's no way you could have
killed yourself."
[Pause]
Joe: "Yeah, that's right, ok.. I'm going back to the party. Ok, take
care."
[Walks back]
M2: [Whimpering and crying] "I'm moving to a different town man."
- "Four weeks later."
[Pouring drink]
M2: "Oh this beer is great, man. This tequila is really strong, man. It's
got a worm, and everything in it, man."
Buffoon: "Fuckin' shit!"
M2: "All being in the sun, you're even more wasted. Fuckin' shit is
right, man! I am totally wasted now, man. I should maybe get an umbrella or
something and go in the shade."
Buffoon: "I know a guy who can suck his own dick."
M2: "Yeah, I know a guy who can do that too. He's the drummer from Molly
Hatchet and one night we had two cases of Southern Comfort, man. We were so
wasted off it. I'm serious man."
18 - Lunchlady Land
Performed by Adam Sandler
"This is a song..."
"This is uhh, This is a new song..."
"It's through the eyes of one of the greatest people alive, I feel..."
"The Lunchlady"
[Laughing]
Woke up in the morning
Put on my new plastic glove
Served some reheated salisbury steak
With a little slice of love
Got no clue what the chicken pot pie is made of
Just know everything's doing fine
Down here in Lunchlady Land
Well I wear this net on my head
'Cause my red hair is fallin' out
I wear these brown orthopedic shoes
'Cause I got a bad case of the gout
I know you want seconds on the corndogs
But there's no reason to shout
Everybody gets enough food
Down here in Lunchlady Land
Well yesterday's meatloaf is today's sloppy joes
And my breath reeks of tuna
And there's lots of black hairs coming out of my nose
In Lunchlady Land your dreams come true
Clouds made of carrots and peas
Mountains built of shepherds pie
And rivers made of macaroni and cheese
But don't forget to return your trays
And try to ignore my gum disease
No student can escape the magic of Lunchlady Land
Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders
Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders
Navy beans, navy beans, navy beans
Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders
Navy beans, navy beans
Meatloaf sandwich
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
Well I dreamt one morning
That I woke up to see
All the pepperoni pizza
Was a-looking at me
It screamed, why do you burn me
And serve me up cold
I said I got the spatula
Just do what you're told
Then the liver & onions
Started joining the fight
And the chocolate pudding
Pushed me with all its might
And the chop suey slapped me
And it kicked me in the head
It's called revenge Lunchlady
Said the garlic bread
I said what did I do
To make you all so mad
They said you got flabby arms
And your breath is bad
Then the green beans said
You better run and hide
But then my friend sloppy joe came
And joined my side
He said if it wasn't for the Lunchlady
The kids wouldn't eatcha
You should be shakin' her hand
And sayin' please to meet ya
She gives you a purpose
And she gives you a goal
You should be kissin' her feet
And kissin' her mole
Now all the angry foods
Just leave me alone
And we all live together
In a happy home
Thanks to
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
[Spoken]
Well me & sloppy joe got married
We got six kids and we're doing' just fine
Down in Lunchlady Land
19 - The Beating of a High School Spanish Teacher
Performed by Adam Sandler
"And now the severe beating of a high school spanish teacher."
[Lecturing]
[Writing on chalk board]
"Juan es muy guapo."
[Door opens, walking towards her]
"Hola."
"Senor?"
"Hay problema?"
"Mi casa es su casa."
[Scream]
[Beating sounds]
"Ayuda! Ayudame!"
[Beating sounds]
"Ayudame!"
[Beating sounds]
"Bibliotecha!"
[Beating sounds]
"No!"
[Beating sounds]
[Beating sounds]
[Falls to the floor]
20 - Toll Booth Willie
Performed by Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, Tim Meadows, David Spade, Steve Koren,
Tim Herlihy, and Margaret Ruden
[Car approaches]
Toll Booth Willie: "Welcome to Worchester. Dollar twenty-five please."
M1: "Hey, how ya doin' Toll Booth Willie?"
Toll Booth Willie: "Good! Thanks fer askin, pop!"
M1: "Aww, that's great, you know, considering yer a fuckin' idiot!"
[Pays toll and drives off]
Toll Booth Willie: "Go fuck yourself you son of a bitch! I'll come right
outta the booth and fuckin' whack ya, you fuckin' prick!"
[Another car approaches]
M2: "Hey, hey, Willie! Hows it going?"
Toll Booth Willie: "Hey, can't complain, pop. Hows 'bout you?"
M2: "Oh, great, great. How much?"
Toll Booth Willie: "The state charges a dollar twenty-five, pop."
M2: "That's fine. Now should I give you the money, or should I shove the
quarters directly up your fat ass!?"
[Pays toll and drives off]
Toll Booth Willie: "Why you fuckin' hard on! I'll fucking Carlton Fisk
yer fuckin' head with a Louise-ville fuckin' slugger! Whadya think of that ass
fuck!?"
[Another car approaches]
F1: "Hi Willie."
Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, nice to see ya M'am. Not a bad day, huh?"
F1: "Well, I'm a little lost. Could you help me out? I hear your the best
with directions."
Toll Booth Willie: "Well I know my way around New England. I can tell ya
that much. So where ya headed?"
F1: "Well, I was just wondering exactly which is the best way to drive up
your ass. You know, if you'd tell me, I'd appreciate it, you fuckin' prick."
[Drives off]
Toll Booth Willie: "You fuckin' bitch! Fuck you! You forgot to pay the
fuckin' toll you dirty whore! I'll fuckin' drop you with a boot to the fuckin'
skull you cum guzzling queen!"
[Another car approaches]
M3: "Hey Willie."
Toll Booth Willie: "Hey, how are ya?"
M3: "Here's a dollar twenty-five, and go fuck yourself."
[Pays toll and drives off]
Toll Booth Willie: "Dah, you fuckin' prick! I hope you choke on a fuckin'
bottle cap, ya fuckin' son of a fuck! Eat shit! Eat my shit!"
[Another car approaches]
Bishop Nelson: "Hello Willie. Good to see you."
Toll Booth Willie: "Ahhh, Bishop Nelson. Nice to see ya. That was quite a
sermon you had the other day."
Bishop Nelson: "Hey, well I do my best."
Toll Booth Willie: "Dollar twenty-five, Bishop."
Bishop Nelson: "Dollar twenty-five, Willie. Isn't that the same price
your mother charges for a blow job, you piece of dog shit!?"
[Pays toll and drives off]
Toll Booth Willie: "Ohhh! Have another one, you fuckin' lush! It's not my
fault the bartender cut ya off last night ya fuckin' douche bag!"
[Another car approaches]
M5: "Hey!"
Toll Booth Willie: "Well hey!"
M5: "Yeah, do you want the money, or should I just shove the quarters
directly up your fat ass!?"
[Pays toll and drives off]
Toll Booth Willie: "Well, I already heard that one you fuckin' unoriginal
bastard! Go suck a corn you fuckin' piece of repeatin' shit!"
[Another car approaches]
F2: "Hi."
Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, hi. How are ya?"
F2: "Fine, thank you. How much is the toll please?"
Toll Booth Willie: "For you sweetheart, it's a dollar twenty-five."
F2: "Here ya go."
[Pays toll]
F2: "Thank you."
[Begins to drive off]
Toll Booth Willie: "Hey! Hey! Honey! Would you like a receipt with that?"
F2: "Oh, I almost forgot. Thank you so much."
[Toll Booth Willie scribbling a receipt for her]
Toll Booth Willie: "And here ya are."
F2: "Umm, do you think you could sign it?"
Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, uh.. sign it?"
F2: "Yeah, sign Toll Booth Willie was here."
Toll Booth Willie: "Ok, sure. Uhh, by the way, what is this for?"
[Signing receipt]
F2: "Just so I could have proof for my friends that I met the biggest
fuckin' dip shit with the smallest dick alive. You understand."
[Drives off]
[Crumples up paper]
Toll Booth Willie: "Fuck you, you fuckin' upity bitch! I'll fuckin' fuck
you and all your lesbian fish-eating friends in front of your fuckin' mothers!
You're gonna die, bitch! I'm comin' outta the booth!" [Opens the door and runs
out of the booth]
[Car screeches and hits him]
Toll Booth Willie: "Ooooh! My fuckin' leg!"
M6: "Hey! You ran over Toll Booth Willie!"
M7: "Oh my God! I was always wondering what it would be like to run over
a
dried up stinky dick licker."
Toll Booth Willie: "Why you fuckin' pricks. I fuckin' hear every fuckin'
word yer saying! When this fuckin' leg heals, I'm gonna kick you guys new
fuckin' assholes!
[Everyone cussing eachother out]
21 - Teenage Love On The Phone
Performed by Adam Sandler and Allen Covert
Richie: "So ya doin' good?"
Samantha: "Ya, I'm fine, how 'bout you?"
Richie: "How good could I be? I haven't seen you in three hours."
Samantha: "Ohhh, Richie. Hey Richie, my dad's down the hall, and he
doesn't want me on the phone. So if I hang up on you, it's just because he's
coming."
Richie: "Ok. So look, uh, do you wanna meet at the Spring Fling Dance
thi..."
[She hangs up phone]
[Phone rings]
Richie: "Hello?"
Samantha: "Sorry, I thought he was coming."
Richie: "That's ok. So, about the dance. Do you wanna meet
Samantha: "Umm, well my brother gets the car on Friday nights."
Richie: "Well that's ok, I'll come by and get you. Lets say around..."
[She hangs up phone]
Richie: "Come on.."
[Phone rings]
Richie: "Hey."
Samantha: "Sorry. I guess he was just going to the bathroom."
Richie: "That's ok. Well look, uh.. what was I saying? Oh yeah, should I
pick you up at like seven-thirty or maybe do you wanna go later when the dance
is really kickin.."
[She hangs up the phone again]
Richie: "Give me a break..."
[Phone rings]
Richie: "Hello."
Samantha: "Sorry. It was just my dog."
Richie: "Hey, what's your dad's problem anyways!? Why can't we talk?"
Samantha: "He just thinks I'm on the phone too much. Oh my God, uh, I
gotta go."
Richie: "Don't hang up!"
Samantha: "Richie, I can't talk!"
Richie: "No, I'm sick of this! Put your dad on the phone! I wanna talk to
him."
Samantha: "It's not my dad."
Richie: "What? Well, who's there? Why can't you talk?"
Samantha: "Uh, just look Richie, someone is here."
Richie: "Who's there? Is it a guy!?"
Samantha: "Richie!"
Richie: "I knew it! I'll kill him! Put him on the phone!"
Samantha: "oh.. it's just.. hold on."
[Hands phone to guy]
Richie: "Hey man! What the hell are you doing there!? Samantha's my girl!
You'd better stay away from her or I'll make you wish you were never born!"
Buffoon: "Fuckin' shit!"
Richie: "Yeah, fuckin' shit is right buddy! Don't think I'm kidding
around, man! I'm crazy! I'll smash your head in! I swear to God!"
Buffoon: "One time I saw my Grandmother in the shower. Her bush starts
above her belly button."
Richie: "Yeah, well that's too bad! But I'm still gonna come over there
and beat your face in!"
[Richie slams down phone]
Samantha: "What happened? Was he mad?"
Buffoon: "My neighbor's dog has a four inch clit!"
Samantha: "Oh Buffoon, you're the coolest." [Whispering] "I love you..."
22 - My Little Chicken
Performed by Adam Sandler
When I'm feeling down
And feeling sad
You come around
And make me glad
I got you
Oh, my little chicken
I love your feet
I love your breasts
I love the way you eat gravel
To help you digest
Oh, my little chicken
People say you're using me
In your heart you're a killer
But I know the worst
I should fear is
A slight case of salmonella
So lie right back
Don't you cry
If an egg can fit in there
Why can't I.....mmmmmmm
Oh my little
Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk
Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk
Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawking Bawk,
Bawk, Bawk, Bawking Bawk
You're my love
My little chicken likes
To wear garter belts
webmaster@endor.org - 1996
